OSCAR-NOMINATED PRODUCER SAYS “I’M IN”

by Bennett Campbell Ferguson

tho kevinImage via Marvel Studios

Kevin Feige—the producer who has been the driving force behind the films of Marvel Studios for over a decade—announced today that he will seek the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. “I am beyond excited for this once-in-a-generation opportunity to serve my country,” Mr. Feige said in a statement. “I look forward to reviving this great nation with ours with a, pun-intended, Marvel-ous agenda.”

Progressive candidates for the Democratic nomination were quick to decry Mr. Feige’s political plans. Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts declared, “Kevin Feige is more supervillain than superhero and I will fight him with everything I’ve got.” Senator Bernie Sanders told a crowd of supporters, “It is outrageous that we are considering electing the man who makes movies about amoral billionaire Tony Stark, who despite being a fictional character, should clearly be paying higher taxes so we can make public college tuition free.”

Yet Mr. Feige says he is “serious” about his presidential bid, even going so far as announce an ambitious legislative agenda at a campaign rally at Disneyland that has been met with enthusiasm by Marvel fans. The first part of the plan would divert funding from public schools to Marvel Studios, allowing the company to make as many as 360 films a year.

“I know it sounds crazy,” Mr. Feige admitted. “But I think kids can learn all they need to know from Marvel movies. Do you know how many kids I’ve met who learned about American history from watching ‘Captain America’? Sure, not everything in the film really happened, but what’s wrong with mixing truth with a little super-soldier serum?”

The second part of Mr. Feige’s agenda would ban Warner Bros.’s DC Extended Universe franchise. “I know the Snyder bros will be mad, but I think most Americans will agree with me on this one,” Mr. Feige said. “And by the way, I’ll be asking congress to pass legislation to allow Gal Gadot’s Wonder Woman to join the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Even I have to admit that she’s pretty cool.”

The final part of Mr. Feige’s plan is his most ambitious goal. It involves ratifying a constitutional amendment that would effectively ban Marvel Studios actors from seeking work elsewhere. “Look, is it too much to ask Robert Downey Jr. to keep playing Tony Stark until he’s 80?” Mr. Feige wondered aloud. “I don’t think so. I believe that we have enough Marvel movies in development to insure that our actors never have to endure the terrible burden of playing normal, nuanced characters ever again.”

While Mr. Feige’s plans have been met with disbelief across the nation, he was quick to assure Americans that “this is really happening. I mean, I know it sounds insane. But be honest. The way the world is going, it sounds like something that could happen, doesn’t it?”

 

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